What's Gone is Forever Lost
by Lyn Harkeran
Summary: AU of Sin-Eater: Ichabod has no pulse after he is separated from the Horsemen, and Abbie realizes that her feelings for Crane might have been stronger than she ever supposed. Ichabbie Angst/Fluff/Romance


**What's Gone is Forever Lost**

* * *

He was gone.

The thought still seemed absurd, but it was undeniably true. She had seen his body draped over the table opposite the Sin Eater who should have saved him. When he had come, Abbie had been assured that the man could save Crane. He had said there was still time to break Crane's connection with the Horsemen. But apparently, the Sin-Eater had been mistaken.

She'd run over to the still form of her companion and immediately placed her fingers to his neck, checking for a pulse. It was when she felt no heartbeat, that the woman's worst fears were realized.

There was _nothing_.

No heartbeat, no warmth, no breath.

Crane was _gone_.

Abbie had felt her body begin to shake and her eyes become bleary from tears, as she observed his glazed blue eyes that were always so lively, but were now blank.

He was _gone_.

Abbie was so lost in her grief that she didn't hear her sister or the Free Masons reenter, nor did she realize that the unearthly cry that filled the room came from her lips alone. There was only numbness and one hateful truth that registered as she fled the chamber and tore down the underground passageways.

Ichabod Crane was _dead_.

* * *

_He sat at the table and opened the box with deft fingers. Inside the bottle of poison stared back at him with cold precision; calling out for him to finish what he had started._

_"To ensure that the Horseman never rides again, my life must end," he said solemnly. "It is the only way."_

_Abbie- who had taken the seat on the other side of the table- felt her stomach clench, and shook her head violently. "No! I am not letting this happen."_

_"I swore an oath to sacrifice my life if necessary so others may live freely."_

_"I do not accept that Crane!" Abbie cried, continuing to shake her head. "I cannot accept that!"_

_"You must," he said firmly, his blue eyes unyielding as he looked upon her. "If you accept what we've been chosen to do- to avert the apocalypse so humanity can endure, so people can choose their own destinies, just as I must now choose mine."_

_"There's another way," Abbie said her voice coming out loud and frantic as her eyes began to water. "There's always another way!"_

_"Abbie-" he spoke calmly, but his voice cracked with emotion. "This is the only way." _

_ ". . . That's the first time you've called me Abbie. . ." _

_Several moments passed before he continued in a softer tone. "I've lived on borrowed time- more than any man deserves. I've seen wonders beyond my wildest imaginings. And through these centuries, against the impossibility that we would find each other . . . we did."_

_The tears that had begun to form at the corners of Abbie's eyes slowly pooled down her cheeks, as Ichabod smiled at her and finished, "And I am most grateful for it."_

_"How can you be so calm about this," she asked in disbelief._

_"I'm terrified," he admitted quietly, his fear shinning out for her to see, as a sad smile lined his lips._

_Without a second thought, Abbie reached out and took his larger hand in her own. And she held onto it as one would a lifeline; knowing that she couldn't let him go._

_The two held hands in silence as Ichabod reached for the poison and uncapped the lid. ". . . Perhaps it would be easier if you left."_

_Abbie squeezed reassuringly as her tears wet both their fingers. "There's no way. There have been too many people I never got a chance to say goodbye to. You're not going to be one of them."_

_For a second, dark brown eyes met light blue and both took courage, knowing that they were together. Then Ichabod lifted the bottle to his lips and downed the contents in one long gulp. Abbie cried soundlessly as he placed the now empty glass back on the table, and met her bleary gaze once more._

_"I'm sorry," he whispered as the poison flowed freely through his veins. "I'm so sorry." _

* * *

Abbie laid on the ground, having curled into a ball as sobs wracked her small body and she gave into her despair. The Sin-Eater had promised it wasn't too late, and yet now they were both gone. Neither men had survived the encounter. Both were dead to the world and all those in it.

The woman hadn't known where she was going as she ran out of the catacombs, nor had she cared. There was only one thing that drove her forward.

_Get somewhere safe,_ her mind commanded._ Must get somewhere safe._ She ignored her car and sprinted through Sleepy Hollow on foot, as if the very devil were on her heels.

_Get somewhere safe, get somewhere safe._ Her mind chanted relentlessly as she stumbled blindly past all that was familiar.

_He's gone. . . Get somewhere safe! Crane is gone. Get somewhere safe, have to get somewhere safe. _

Abbie didn't know how long she ran or how she got there, but soon enough her legs gave out and she collapsed to the ground in a broken heap. As her body fully came to rest on the cold patch of leaves below her, she screamed for all she was worth. She screamed and cried, violently clutching at herself to keep from tearing apart, until there were no more tears and her voice was gone. But still it wasn't enough. It would_ never_ be enough.

How could he be gone? And how could this tragedy leave her feeling so lost and empty inside? She had only known Crane for a month, almost less, and yet she felt more sorrow and heart ache now than she ever had. The pain was too much- like a great weight resting on her chest, making it impossible to breathe.

"Crane," she begged though it was obvious that no one would answer._ "Crane!" _

Why had he given in? Wasn't that the thing he said he would never do? Wasn't he supposed to be the Believer who never doubted or strayed from the path? Wasn't he the one who was supposed to live and learn, and continue to help people?

_No,_ Abbie thought bitterly. _He won't be doing anything else, because he's gone. . . He left you and he's not coming back. . . He's __never__ coming back._

But why did Crane's death affect her more than, Corbin's had? Why was she falling apart, inside and out? Why was her heart broken?

As the sun set and darkness fell upon Sleepy Hollow, Abbie Mills let a final cry escape her lips, that echoed and reverberated from within her very soul. For she knew the answer to her questions.

She was heartbroken because she had loved the Colonial time-traveler. . . She was lost because she had loved _Ichabod Crane_ . . .

* * *

There was only darkness, thick as fog and twice and foreboding for a infinite amount of time, making Ichabod question his status as a living human being.

In this darkness he walked, mile upon mile without purpose or repose, save for the thought of escape.

He had to return to where he had been. . . He couldn't remember why exactly, but something kept him alert and anchored in the endless abyss. Something made him continue onward when he would have been content to remain sedentary.

Ichabod Crane didn't know how long he walked aimlessly through the black mist, nor did he want to know. But what he _did_ know was that he was needed. He didn't know what he was needed for, but he found that he couldn't shake the feeling. It was too important . . . too _personal_.

The man continued his brisk stride and finding himself at yet another dead-end, and was about to turn around, when the silence was broken. It came from everywhere and nowhere all at once, loud and pleading, and yet soft and tender. The sound a mother might make to her newborn babe.

_"Crane,"_ it called. "_Ichabod Crane!_"

As he heard his own name in the darkness, something changed. It was as if this unknown speaker had lit a candle and handed it to him. Where he had been lost without means of sight or recollection of where he was going, Ichabod now knew exactly where he was.

"Pray, angel," he cried into the dark. "Utter my name once more! Help me to destroy this accursed darkness so I might see you!"

All was silent for several horrible moments before the voice once more reverberated through the dark and lit the abyss with a radiant warm light. But this time it wasn't his name that caused the light to expand, but rather the sorrow behind it, that made everything come back to him in a blinding array of colorful memory.

_"Come back to me, Crane. . . I need you. I can't do this by myself. . . Not without you." _

He remembered.

The Four Horsemen, the Apocalypse, the Sin-Eater, the Masons, the countless souls who had passed on. . . And Lieutenant Mills.

Above all others he remembered Lieutenant _Abbie_ Mills. . .

* * *

_**Author's Note: **_

I'm still dealing with severe feels from Sleepy Hollow, so I decided to write this and try to get it out of my system. So I hope I don't kill you all with the angst. ^^;

One more chapter left in this story, and I can promise there will be fluffy and some more hits to your feels. Hopefully yall stick with me to the bitter end.

What did you think of the story thus far? Was it good? Rubbish? Worse than rubbish? . . . Please let me know guys! I was kinda anxious about posting this one. . .

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Sleepy Hollow (tv show or otherwise), the respective actors, or the Tom (yum) Mison. **_

**_~Lyn Harkeran_**


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